Someone has written a book about me.
Ok so it’s not my book, it’s a book about me.
Just me.
Something I’m still trying to get my head around for a whole range of reasons.
Many a journalist has taken an interest in my story. I’ve recounted it for newspapers, magazines and online platforms across a number of contexts. Some made it to publish, many did not.
I’m more than happy to give interviews, it’s flattering that even one person is interested, but I expect little to come of my words. So when I receive a call asking for my perspective on Oxbridge sport I’m more than happy to oblige. I have no idea what I said on the call but an opportunity lit up in the mind of one of the most perceptive journalists I’ve ever met, Danae Mercer.
‘I think I can place your story elsewhere -can I try?’ Having heard this before, with limited success, I respond:
‘Yea sure.’ Expecting that to be the last I’d heard of it.
When I received a call to say that the Guardian were interested in the story, I was pretty surprised.
So in true Danae style – it happened:
The bizarre thing was that it was years after the event. In my head, I was no longer media interest. At the time many a local paper printed my story, with no national interest. So why now? I was a construction manager, playing in amateur rugby in the local second team. I was posing as an ordinary person. It was cool. Most that I worked and socialised with knew nothing of my past.
People who thought they knew me were confused or perhaps frustrated that they had no idea. But how do you tell that story? Without sounding like you have an uncontrollable ego. I wanted to have friends who liked me for who I was in the present, not what I’d done in the past. I was also wrestling at the time with my decision to leave the world of competitive sport behind. It wasn’t easy. I was defined a sports person. I am a wasted talent.
A couple of days after the article, when I am still catching up with my past, Danae is telling me that the Guardian are talking about pushing this into a book, I was yet further taken aback by the level of interest. But still skeptical.
Danae got me wrong again, she won the commission. Still slightly in the dark about the process, I just went along with whatever was required.
There was actually relatively little contact with Danae during the writing process. We had two longer interviews and then a series of small question exchanges. Whilst she quietly dug into my life, most material coming from others, friends, family and supporters. In reality the people most qualified to comment.
I imagine I was also difficult to interview. Danae was trying to work me out, pick at my motivations for my actions.
‘Can you just explain to me why you did xxx?’
‘Errrr… I have no idea. I just sort of did. Wait let me think…’
I am also guarded. I make friends slowly, I prefer to watch and decide whether to engage rather than jump straight in. I found this a very unnatural process, I know Danae only because I’m required talk about me, in a sickeningly one-dimensional and one-way sense. It was weird and I felt uncomfortable talking about myself for so long without knowing really who I was talking to. Danae was always extremely positive and very nice. Too nice.. I was suspicious of her thoughts behind what I believed to be a wall of tact and diplomacy.
Several months into this process, I worked her out. Invited on one of Danae’s more arduous journalist tasks (reviewing afternoon tea’s across London), we sat in a 5 star hotel and were showered with expensive treats. It’s a tough place to be, she knew everything about my life including things I didn’t know myself and will probably never know, whilst I barely knew her. I’ve no idea how she’d processed this information or what conclusion she had drawn of me. I barely spoke about the book or it’s context.. I didn’t know how or what to say or even if it was a topic that could be discussed! Here, I finally got under her skin abit, getting the opportunity to have a more normal two way exchange. I discovered her nice facade was a genuine trait. She’s a positive and intelligent people person with an optimistic outlook. I relaxed, hoping this would actually be a friendship extending beyond our strange meeting scenario. Sadly Danae used this opportunity to explain she’d snapped up an incredible opportunity in Dubai.
The book is now released. I read a first draft, I didn’t input, I did cry (the quotes of others experiences caught me off guard!). It’s not for me to correct, change or frame what Danae has found. It is her work, she is to decide the narrative and tone, I am merely the subject. The views of others are far more valuable in describing me.
So how do I feel about it? The way in which the book is written is very, very clever. Drawing parallels across my journeys in my motivations rather than my actions and linking them together. Clearly much time, thought and many subjects have built a picture of me that Danae had distilled. So I guess the narrative is true. How can I argue? Would I have described myself in this way? No. But I have all the details to hand, it’s hard to aggregate into a high level description. It’s hard to see yourself, again it seems I come out as a highly determined individual. In my own view of myself I’m less serious, concealing my drive in humour. As much I see my goal, I am flexible enough to accept and even expect failure.
Was I worried about what would be written? No. If people report negative qualities about me it then how can I argue? If a trait was flagged that I did not recognise and did not like, then presumably everyone would already know it existed. So it would be purely a personal problem to tackle. I’m not afraid of that, an opportunity to make myself a better person.
Now I have a strange experience of people opening up to me. I have been exposed publicly, it seems this makes it easier to connect with me and perhaps understand me so I’m spontaneously told things they may not necessarily otherwise have. Depth of relationship it appears is an exchange, the more you reveal to others, the more they will share with you, both with those I know and those I don’t. It is a nice but thought provoking experience. I am touched. But touched the most by those who know me deeply. Pringle sees me and my faults everyday. I get a message ‘I am so proud.’ It means a lot. Struggle to admit it as I may.
But judge for yourself. Let me know what you think. I am as human as the rest.
All royalites are directed to the Air Ambulance that saved my life.
charlotteroach 